One of the most important questions a coach uses when co-creating the coaching agreement for any particular coaching session is ‘How is this X that you are bringing to the table today important or meaningful to you?’
In fact, it is mentioned as one of the current markers listed as among the criteria for the International Coach Federation PCC accreditation in terms of the competency ‘Creating the Coaching Agreement’.
The purpose of the question is to explore what brought the client to choose this topic/issue to focus on today over or as distinct from other issues and topics. It also serves to elicit the client’s passion and desire and if they have any ‘shoulds’ or ‘have tos’ around the area.
But what does the question really mean?
How would the meaning of the question change if we were to change the preposition and ask, ‘How is this X that you are bringing to the table today important or meaningful for you?’
Looking at the use of the prepositions, what distinctions can we make between ‘to’ and ‘for’?
How about in these examples?
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- How useful is that to you?
- How useful is that for you?
- How good is that person to you?
- How good is that person for you?
- How important is that to you?
- How important is that for you?
As I understand it, there is a clear difference. The first question with ‘to’ is more focused on the benefit in the short term whereas, the second question with ‘for’ is more focused on what you are receiving long term.
I first became aware of this distinction a good ten years ago from a very powerful example shared by Christina Hall, the NLP Meta Master Trainer. Taking as an example, when opening your fridge, the rich chocolate cake sitting there might look really good to you, but on reflection, not necessarily all that good for you.
I would suggest that using the preposition ‘to’ focuses more on immediate, in the moment or ‘around the present moment’ needs and is what can be understood as being ‘in time’. On the other hand, the preposition ‘for’ has a stronger possibility of eliciting the client’s deeper values and focuses more on how things are connected over and through time, from the present into the future and beyond.
I would suggest, therefore, that when working with clients, we need to partner with them to become aware of how what they want to achieve not only fits into how their life is at this particular moment in time but also how it fits into the greater and bigger mission, vision or purpose they have for their life or business.
Moreover, as coaches and trainers, teachers, and educators, we need to ask questions that enable our clients to connect to their values and goals and their past, present and future in a way that supports them to move forward in the most effective way possible. Otherwise, there is a danger that the client will be consistently ‘island hopping’, moving from one thing to another, fire fighting along the way, rather than having a clear focus and direction that moves them forward with a real sense of traction.
Therefore, if we were to ask the question, ‘How is this X that you are bringing to the table today important or meaningful to you and for you?’, would it achieve that purpose? I would definitely suggest so.
Try out the different combinations and see how your clients react and notice any shifts in thinking and action.
